She's dating someone.

Just because we haven't spoken in almost three months doesn't mean that I don't keep tabs on her life.  I have Harriet to thank for my information.  Apparently Mac still talks to her. 

Every once in a while, I'll drop by to see A.J. and Harriet will subtly tell me all of the conversations I've missed out on. 

I'm happy for her. 

Really.

It's good to see her happy and with a good guy for a change. 

It's strange though.  At one time, I would have been the first person she'd come to if she had anything on her mind.  And now, we're just acquaintances; two people who happen to cross paths because we work in the same building.

I thought it would never last when she told me we wouldn’t be partners any more.  I guess that was ego and probably more than a smidgen of pride talking.  After all, I was the best attorney at JAG, and she was so ambitious.  Her career would stand a better chance of fast-track promotions if we were partners and worked the high-profile cases together.

But she did get her promotion to lieutenant colonel without any help from me.  Well, now that I think about it, she <did> have my help.  Whether she realizes it or not.  I left to fly while she stayed behind, ready and willing for all of the cases that would have come my way. 

She should thank me.  But I know she won't.  Mainly because I know she doesn't see it that way. 

Much as most people would probably like to think, I'm not <that> dumb when it comes to Mac.  I knew full well what she wanted to tell me when I went over to her apartment the night before Chloe left and A.J. was born.  I was even serious about my promise to split a kid with her.  But I didn't want to hear her say those words. 

It wasn't because I was scared…I just…never thought about that with her.  I mean, she was my best friend and I did love her to a certain extent, but she was always there…you know?  We were used to each other and neither one of us pushed the other for more.  Until that day. 

And I folded.

And later, when she, Brumby and Bud had come to the carrier to investigate the Buxton case, it was as if something had cooled between us.  I met her at the chopper and we hugged hello, but there was nothing there.  It wasn't like the hug we shared in my office right before I left.  That one was so packed with emotions that my teeth ached just looking at her, seeing her tears.  I blew off her words in the desperate need to hold onto what we had.  What was comfortable.  I didn't want to hurt her, but I didn't want to admit something in the crush of the moment that we both might regret later.  I mean, what if we said it, but it turned out that we didn't?  Or at least not enough to make it work.

I guess that was the beginning of the end.  Not just my leaving, but my leaving without the promise of a future for us. 

When I look at her today, I can't help but wonder if deep down she still has feelings for me.  A part of me hopes she does, while the other part hopes she can shut that door to the past for good and get on with her life. 

He's a good man.  He'll make her a good husband.  And goodness knows she’s due one.
 

END
 

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