I can see it in his eyes.  He knows. 

I was wondering when this day would come.  When Harm would find out that I'm dating a married man.  Harriet probably told him.  I have to smile at the memory of her barging into my office and announcing that she saw Jack in the park with his wife and kids.  She went on and on about how good of a guy he was, but that I had to know that I couldn't have him.  His family already had a claim on his love and commitment. 

I guess she never realized that was why I was drawn to him.

I suppose I should be ashamed of myself, but I've done worse things in my life.  Not many. But there have been worse.  I <can> tell you this, when I was growing up, I never dreamed of being the "other" woman.  Then again, I never dreamed much anyway. 

The courtyard is so beautiful this time of year; I've always loved eating lunch out here.  There was a time when I loved doing so with Harm.  But not now. 

I don't know what the turning point was in our relationship.  I mean, I know all of the factors that contributed to our demise, but the one trigger that set it all off…I haven't a clue.  Maybe it was just a slow build-up. 

I wait for him to speak.  After all, why should I make it easy for him?  He always thrives on a challenge. 

"Mac…I…I know we haven't been close lately, but I want you to know, that if you ever need anything, I'm here."

I offer him a self-deprecating smile and reply, "You heard.  About Jack."

He glances away and I know this wasn't the first topic he wanted to broach.  "Yeah," he answers after a minute.  "I know he's married."  He pauses for a moment and his aquamarine eyes, that are blue in one moment and green in the next, soften with concern.  "Mac…what…"

"What was I thinking?" I finish for him with a raised eyebrow.  "He was a nice guy.  Would listen when I had something to say.   Seemed interested in and concerned about me."  I look away, readying myself to tell him what is sure to be a surprise.  "I knew from the start that he was married.  He even showed me a picture of his wife and kids.  I knew what I was getting into, Harm."

He eases down into the chair across from me and rests his elbows on the table.  The wrought iron wobbles a little as it adjusts to his weight.

"If you knew all that, then why?"  Harm seems genuinely confused as to the reasons behind my actions and I have to smile at how dense he really is.

"I was on the rebound.  And Jack was the safest man I knew.  He couldn't get too involved and I would get a chance to heal."

He's a little shocked.  But, at this point in time, all I have left is the truth.  I don't want to play games with him anymore.  It's just too tiring. 

After a moment of digesting the full meaning behind my words, Harm places a light hand on my wrist and asks, "Have you, Mac?  Have you healed?"

A double entendre if I've ever heard one.  I know what he's really asking.  Have I gotten over him…have I forgotten about all the good times in the three years we were partners…the almosts that permeated the relationship.  Without a twinge of regret, I smile softly and nod.  "Yeah, I have."

Harm's smile is a sad replica of my own, but he understands.  With a nod, he rises and walks towards JAG.  He doesn't glance back. 

I'm glad.  We don't need to reconstruct the past or even hope for a return of some part of it.  Our time was then. 

And Jack?

We said good-bye last night.  I've finally realized that I don't need safety anymore.  I can trust myself with a man again.  A free man. 

Jack helped me get past my insecurities and for that I'll always be grateful, but I do know when the end has come.  And for us, it was time.

The doors to the past have finally been closed and locked.  Even if I still bear the scars of my journeys through them.

We all have scars; it's a part of life.  How we choose to learn from them is the question.  I spent a long time hiding behind mine, using them as an excuse.  I don't plan on doing that any longer.  I will use them as barometers instead. 

I will love and I will live.  Freely and without regret.
 

END