Author's note:  Although there are hints of an XF crossover, this really isn't one per say.  It was suggested to me after Ghosts that I explore the growing relationship between Mac and Scully.  This is just a taste and my next crossover will cover it more fully.

I've been having nightmares.  Dark, haunting images that steal, unbidden, through my dreams.  Though unlike the ones of my childhood, these images disappear with the dawning of reality, then return as the sun sets.  Some nights I'll wake up knowing my hands are dripping with blood, only to find the liquid is nothing more than the salty combination of sweat and tears.

Normally my dreams are unmemorable; they don't survive the breaking light. But my nightmares are more lasting.  Lately, they have followed me long after the sun's rays have tickled the Washington skyline.  By the time I get to work, they have disappeared and I am able to forget, to merely enjoy my coworkers.  But at dusk they return. 

Harrowing visions of Dalton, lying in the middle of the street outside McMurphy's, blood oozing out of him, fill a majority of my nights. Sometimes, though, he gives me a break.  On those nights, Chris returns, baiting me from the grave, crying out his undying love.  Love that would have swallowed me whole and then asked for more.  And on those nights when Dalton and Chris have had their fill of torment, Eddie whispers to me, feeding on my well-disguised guilt.  I see the shocked look on his face as he realizes that he's tasted his last beer, his last everything. 

And when it gets to be too much, I wake myself crying, screaming, "I'm sorry!"  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  If you'd never met me, things might be different; you might still be alive. 

Of the six men I have known closely, three have died as a result of our relationship.  Two others have suffered severe blows to their careers.  And one almost died alone and unmourned. 

Now another man has entered my life.  His presence was never requested. Instead, it somehow stole its way into my subconscious until I couldn't remember a time when he wasn't there.  And I'm scared.  Scared for him. Scared of us.  Will he join the ranks of those men who have fallen merely because they knew and loved me?  Can I in good conscious allow another man, a man who I truly love, to risk his life for the sole purpose of loving me?

During one of the many park bench conversations discussing our lives, our work, our partners, Dana once told me that to find her future, she had to face all of the demons that held her back, taunting her, feeding on her doubts.  Her fingers strayed to the tiny gold cross she wears around her neck and I knew that her faith had helped her. 

But unlike her, I have no formal belief to rely on.  I told her as much and she replied, "Absolution doesn't merely come from without; it comes from within.  You only have to know where to start."

I don't know how many nights I've spent tossing and turning, her words echoing in my head over and over, urging me to search for the starting point.  Though my mind knew where to go and my body willed me to comply, my heart still held back.  Doubt plagued me.  What if I didn't survive the journey?  What if I faced every fear only to find I couldn't forgive myself? 

Then one night three sweet words whispered against my temple spurred my heart to act.  And so I have begun my search.  It is a quest of sorts, but not one that will take me to the ends of the earth.  No, this quest will take me to the depths of my soul. 

To find my beginning I have to look to my past.  Recent though it is, I still find that every thought of it is a comfort.  It's ironic, I know, that I finally discovered a sense peace as my father lay dying. 

It is midnight now as I walk the lonely streets of D.C.  Strangely enough I have no fear for my physical safety.  It is the safety of my heart and my soul, which brings me here tonight.  I have returned to the one thing that gave me solace, even if it <was> only fleeting. 

And so, even though I do not share her faith, her religion, I find myself kneeling in a confessional and murmuring the words, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned...."
 

The End